Okay, so. If you’ve read anything about anything related to eating disorders, the authors all point you to one conclusion: eating disorders are not about food, they are about emotions.
At first when I read this I thought, Hallelujah-Praise-the-Lord-Almighty-Jesus-in-Heaven-Amen-Amen-Amen!!!! (okay, maybe not quite like that, but the effect was the same). I was stoked to discover that over eating was not a food issue, because for as long as I can remember, I have made it a food issue. I would make rules for myself- don’t eat this, eat more of these things – but when the food met my plate met my fork met my mouth, I was still making the choices I told myself I would never make again.
Huh. So, it’s not about dieting, restricting, and making rules only to fail again. It’s about…my emotions??
Let’s get something straight. Emotions scare me, and I admit I’ve spent my life trying to NOT feel things. It’s way easier to shut down a feeling then to let it manifest itself in my actions and thoughts. I am rational, hear me…discuss things calmly? Emotions are big, and loud – ANGER, SADNESS, JOY, HURT, JEALOUSY, ANNOYANCE – aren’t these these completely opposite the fruits of the spirit?? Shouldn’t I FEEL (there’s that word again) gulity for letting myself feel them?
The problem with shutting them down all the time, though, is that…I STILL FEEL THEM.
So, when it comes down to it- I have no clue how to recognize what I’m feeling and give attention to that feeling in another way besides attatching it to food. I’ll let you all know how that goes, but the first step is recognizing the problem, right? I recognize here and now, that I am a baby when it comes to knowing myself and giving my emotions freedom to at least be recognized.
teach me how to live like you meant me to live!