At the heart of my struggle with food, with emotions, and with God, is this: I don’t like who I am.
I am weak.
I am jealous.
I am fearful.
I am proud.
I’m not good enough.
I’m not beautiful enough.
I don’t work hard enough.
I don’t love people enough.
Turning off my emotions is a way to ignore the core of who I am- sinful and human, flawed and broken. I have been and always will be, imperfect.
This pains me to admit, but I hoped that following Jesus meant I could be magically healed of all my imperfections- that the fruits of the spirit would manifest themselves in me overnight, without me knowing. Or maybe they could even take as long as a few years.
I now realize that that expectation is the same as hoping to ace a test you never studied for. When it comes to emotions, it’s like working out- no pain, no gain.
In order to become more like Jesus, I have to face who I am at the core, and let Him work things out in my life. I need to be obedient (there’s a hard one!) and actually listen for His will in my life, in order that I may become “mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:4).
The song that started this message from my Savior was Wedding Dress, by Derek Webb. I went looking for myself…and I don’t like who I found. I hope you, too, can listen to this song and if it resonates with you, chew on it! Challenge what you think you know about God and yourself. I dare you. We’ll see what we can come up with together 🙂
Warning: Language advisory on this song…it’s worth it though.